Being Home

It's been about two weeks since I have been back. I just finished posting all of the pictures on my facebook page from my trip. It was wonderful looking at them again, like I was reliving the moments. When I closed my eyes, it's like I was there. I am sad because it is over. 

Japan taught me valuable lessons that I do not think I would have learned here. Even then, there is still so much I don't know. At the moment, I am enjoying being human. I've messed up since being home and I am having a hard time adjusting (again). The jet-lag is killing me and I am not looking forward to working again.

I realize that this is a bit different than all of my other posts. I apologize for the depressing tone of my voice but there is just so much happening. I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed. I miss Japan. I miss that life. I always knew it would be short... that I would come back... I guess I just wished that a miracle would let me stay.

Reality is harsh. If anything, Japan made my problems go away and now that I am back, I have to face them. I need the courage to face them. I have to rise above all of my weaknesses and face them sooner or later.

But when I do, what will happen? It is the answer that keeps me awake.

Finally!

It's a breakthrough.  A couple of years back I underwent a horrible experience, one that I would not wish upon the worst person in the world. It made me stop dancing. I blamed it. I hated it.

The thing about being here in Japan is that I am a million miles away from the place where it happened. I don't have to worry about that person being here. I am safe and I can be myself. Japan brings out me.

I am starting to dance again. I am teaching people. My host mom understood and she danced with me. It was awesome. I can finally listen to the music without wanting to throw up or curl up into a ball.

And it's only week 2...

Change

Japan is so amazing. I'm finding out so much about  myself. Some of these things I did not even know existed. I have tried fugu (and lived), octopus, weird mushrooms, sake. I even found my way at the station all by my lonesome. It was an adventure  that I'm glad I took. I was able to look after myself.

I don't know what it is about Japan. I just want to live here. I wish I could stay here longer. This is the place I want to be. I've never felt that before.

Today the lights in the sky looked beautiful. We attended the Atsuta Matsuri and there were fireworks. For brief seconds, the fireworks would shine and light up the sky then dissipate and fade. They lingered for only a moment.

I am enjoying life at the moment. It was very difficult at the beginning. I was able to let go of a lot of things. Things that were holding me back, things that were too painful. I was able to take risks and take charge of the way that I am going. I would ask everyone to abroad. I can't wait to be able to travel elsewhere.

Shiawasena vs. Kanashii

I am too sad. I am excited. I keep repeating the lines "I call it magic" from Coldplay's new album and I can't seem to make myself pack. Saying goodbye, even if it is for a little while, is one of the most difficult things I've had to do thus far. It's painful and all you want to do is cry. I know I am blessed, I know I have been waiting for this, for Japan, for years. But now, there's someone I don't quite want to say goodbye to.

Even then, words would not be enough to fully express to you how I feel. They fall short. Just like they always do. I can hold your hand, look into your eyes for a moment longer and even then, it would not be enough.

There is a word in Japanese that is used to describe "lasting happiness." It is not just happy, it is "lasting happiness." I want to make sure I emphasize that because it is complicated, like saying "Te amo" to someone in Spanish. The words carry different meanings, different tones, different impacts. The word I am talking about is "shiawasena." That is what I am when you are around. That is the word that comes into my head when I think of you.

At the moment I am simply "kanashii." There is no possible way that my excitement can take over because my heart is flooded with sadness. My chest feels heavy and there is a knot in my throat. My eyes get flooded with tears and I just think of that last moment:

Your hands on the wheel, your hand pressed up to your lips and you release it, blowing a kiss, a dove, in my direction.

I know I'll be back soon. I know I won't completely lose communication with you (at least I hope not), all I know is that at the moment, this is what I feel.

Japan will be an experience for the books and I am saddened that it won't be with you.

I've been bad

I am officially 21!

My weekend at Port Aransas was great. I was surrounded by a group of best friends and I could not have asked for anything more. I am constantly reminded of how blessed I truly am. We were safe and we had fun. That's all that matters.

Guys, there are only 3 days left before I leave for Japan. I am super excited! I still have to finish an essay, pack, and go shopping. OH GOSH! I am screwed.

I apologize for not updating more often. My inspiration was killed a bit but I will do my best because I have new ideas sprouting. I will be creating a semi-regular blog for this upcoming Study Abroad experience. I hope to update and record as much as I possibly can (if my wifi even works!)

Anyway, I'm tired and I need to sleep. I will enjoy these last couple days. And to everyone who wished me happy birthday: thank you.

Adult life is difficult...

I felt lonely today. Wandering aisles, not enjoying what I do. Life as a grown up is hard. I have to come up with the rest of the money AND extra for my trip and... I don't know. Today I felt so lonely at work. I felt like a kid that lost his mom and is wandering aimlessly. And trust me, I know that feeling all too well.

I'm not saying my life sucks, I'm not saying it's good, I'm just saying it's difficult. You don't think about that as you grow up. You just think of how awesome it will be and how free and fun it'll be. But no. It's not that simple. Half the time you're trying to save up enough money for next month's rent plus you got bills and food.

Regardless, I am blessed. In my loneliness I though of what I had experienced. I went to an awesome paint rave with close friends. We had fun, laughed, and danced. I saw beauty and horror. My hair was crusted over with paint and I looked awesome under a black light. We ate, we sang, we screamed, all in unison. There is a lot I am thankful for. When I got out of work and rushed to my partner's house, I couldn't wait to jump into his arms. The feeling of coming home to someone is awesome.

So no, my life is not easy, it is not a poor life, it is just a difficult life. These are times of turmoil, twisting against the current. But I'm trying my best. And if you ever feel lonely, just think of the good times and how many more you will experience once you go with the flow. Fighting the current gets difficult so either float or find yourself someone to struggle with.

In the end, it will be worth it.

私は日本に行きます!

World, I am going to Japan!

I cannot believe it. This is part one in a series that I'll try to keep updated. I just purchased my flight ticket and I feel frightened and excited. I had a mini panic attack but this makes me want to work hard, you know? I was dreading life because I am starting a not-so-great job on Sunday. But hey, at least I got a job, I will do my best to pay my debts and bring back awesome memories!

I appreciate the help of those that helped me get here. Especially because one particular person that helped me does not know me at all. I could be the world's most spoiled bitch and he'd never know. Regardless, because of the help of others, this blessed girl will travel outside of the U.S. for the first time in her life. I will work hard at that job even if I don't enjoy it!

I am at a loss for words right now. There is too much on the line. I confess I am scared to death of flying. If I get motion sick on a bike, imagine on a plane. Ahhhhhhhhh...

I will keep you all posted. Thank you for all the love and support. I will make sure to share this trip with everyone.