Shiawasena vs. Kanashii

I am too sad. I am excited. I keep repeating the lines "I call it magic" from Coldplay's new album and I can't seem to make myself pack. Saying goodbye, even if it is for a little while, is one of the most difficult things I've had to do thus far. It's painful and all you want to do is cry. I know I am blessed, I know I have been waiting for this, for Japan, for years. But now, there's someone I don't quite want to say goodbye to.

Even then, words would not be enough to fully express to you how I feel. They fall short. Just like they always do. I can hold your hand, look into your eyes for a moment longer and even then, it would not be enough.

There is a word in Japanese that is used to describe "lasting happiness." It is not just happy, it is "lasting happiness." I want to make sure I emphasize that because it is complicated, like saying "Te amo" to someone in Spanish. The words carry different meanings, different tones, different impacts. The word I am talking about is "shiawasena." That is what I am when you are around. That is the word that comes into my head when I think of you.

At the moment I am simply "kanashii." There is no possible way that my excitement can take over because my heart is flooded with sadness. My chest feels heavy and there is a knot in my throat. My eyes get flooded with tears and I just think of that last moment:

Your hands on the wheel, your hand pressed up to your lips and you release it, blowing a kiss, a dove, in my direction.

I know I'll be back soon. I know I won't completely lose communication with you (at least I hope not), all I know is that at the moment, this is what I feel.

Japan will be an experience for the books and I am saddened that it won't be with you.

I've been bad

I am officially 21!

My weekend at Port Aransas was great. I was surrounded by a group of best friends and I could not have asked for anything more. I am constantly reminded of how blessed I truly am. We were safe and we had fun. That's all that matters.

Guys, there are only 3 days left before I leave for Japan. I am super excited! I still have to finish an essay, pack, and go shopping. OH GOSH! I am screwed.

I apologize for not updating more often. My inspiration was killed a bit but I will do my best because I have new ideas sprouting. I will be creating a semi-regular blog for this upcoming Study Abroad experience. I hope to update and record as much as I possibly can (if my wifi even works!)

Anyway, I'm tired and I need to sleep. I will enjoy these last couple days. And to everyone who wished me happy birthday: thank you.