Being Home

It's been about two weeks since I have been back. I just finished posting all of the pictures on my facebook page from my trip. It was wonderful looking at them again, like I was reliving the moments. When I closed my eyes, it's like I was there. I am sad because it is over. 

Japan taught me valuable lessons that I do not think I would have learned here. Even then, there is still so much I don't know. At the moment, I am enjoying being human. I've messed up since being home and I am having a hard time adjusting (again). The jet-lag is killing me and I am not looking forward to working again.

I realize that this is a bit different than all of my other posts. I apologize for the depressing tone of my voice but there is just so much happening. I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed. I miss Japan. I miss that life. I always knew it would be short... that I would come back... I guess I just wished that a miracle would let me stay.

Reality is harsh. If anything, Japan made my problems go away and now that I am back, I have to face them. I need the courage to face them. I have to rise above all of my weaknesses and face them sooner or later.

But when I do, what will happen? It is the answer that keeps me awake.

Finally!

It's a breakthrough.  A couple of years back I underwent a horrible experience, one that I would not wish upon the worst person in the world. It made me stop dancing. I blamed it. I hated it.

The thing about being here in Japan is that I am a million miles away from the place where it happened. I don't have to worry about that person being here. I am safe and I can be myself. Japan brings out me.

I am starting to dance again. I am teaching people. My host mom understood and she danced with me. It was awesome. I can finally listen to the music without wanting to throw up or curl up into a ball.

And it's only week 2...

Change

Japan is so amazing. I'm finding out so much about  myself. Some of these things I did not even know existed. I have tried fugu (and lived), octopus, weird mushrooms, sake. I even found my way at the station all by my lonesome. It was an adventure  that I'm glad I took. I was able to look after myself.

I don't know what it is about Japan. I just want to live here. I wish I could stay here longer. This is the place I want to be. I've never felt that before.

Today the lights in the sky looked beautiful. We attended the Atsuta Matsuri and there were fireworks. For brief seconds, the fireworks would shine and light up the sky then dissipate and fade. They lingered for only a moment.

I am enjoying life at the moment. It was very difficult at the beginning. I was able to let go of a lot of things. Things that were holding me back, things that were too painful. I was able to take risks and take charge of the way that I am going. I would ask everyone to abroad. I can't wait to be able to travel elsewhere.

Shiawasena vs. Kanashii

I am too sad. I am excited. I keep repeating the lines "I call it magic" from Coldplay's new album and I can't seem to make myself pack. Saying goodbye, even if it is for a little while, is one of the most difficult things I've had to do thus far. It's painful and all you want to do is cry. I know I am blessed, I know I have been waiting for this, for Japan, for years. But now, there's someone I don't quite want to say goodbye to.

Even then, words would not be enough to fully express to you how I feel. They fall short. Just like they always do. I can hold your hand, look into your eyes for a moment longer and even then, it would not be enough.

There is a word in Japanese that is used to describe "lasting happiness." It is not just happy, it is "lasting happiness." I want to make sure I emphasize that because it is complicated, like saying "Te amo" to someone in Spanish. The words carry different meanings, different tones, different impacts. The word I am talking about is "shiawasena." That is what I am when you are around. That is the word that comes into my head when I think of you.

At the moment I am simply "kanashii." There is no possible way that my excitement can take over because my heart is flooded with sadness. My chest feels heavy and there is a knot in my throat. My eyes get flooded with tears and I just think of that last moment:

Your hands on the wheel, your hand pressed up to your lips and you release it, blowing a kiss, a dove, in my direction.

I know I'll be back soon. I know I won't completely lose communication with you (at least I hope not), all I know is that at the moment, this is what I feel.

Japan will be an experience for the books and I am saddened that it won't be with you.

I've been bad

I am officially 21!

My weekend at Port Aransas was great. I was surrounded by a group of best friends and I could not have asked for anything more. I am constantly reminded of how blessed I truly am. We were safe and we had fun. That's all that matters.

Guys, there are only 3 days left before I leave for Japan. I am super excited! I still have to finish an essay, pack, and go shopping. OH GOSH! I am screwed.

I apologize for not updating more often. My inspiration was killed a bit but I will do my best because I have new ideas sprouting. I will be creating a semi-regular blog for this upcoming Study Abroad experience. I hope to update and record as much as I possibly can (if my wifi even works!)

Anyway, I'm tired and I need to sleep. I will enjoy these last couple days. And to everyone who wished me happy birthday: thank you.

Adult life is difficult...

I felt lonely today. Wandering aisles, not enjoying what I do. Life as a grown up is hard. I have to come up with the rest of the money AND extra for my trip and... I don't know. Today I felt so lonely at work. I felt like a kid that lost his mom and is wandering aimlessly. And trust me, I know that feeling all too well.

I'm not saying my life sucks, I'm not saying it's good, I'm just saying it's difficult. You don't think about that as you grow up. You just think of how awesome it will be and how free and fun it'll be. But no. It's not that simple. Half the time you're trying to save up enough money for next month's rent plus you got bills and food.

Regardless, I am blessed. In my loneliness I though of what I had experienced. I went to an awesome paint rave with close friends. We had fun, laughed, and danced. I saw beauty and horror. My hair was crusted over with paint and I looked awesome under a black light. We ate, we sang, we screamed, all in unison. There is a lot I am thankful for. When I got out of work and rushed to my partner's house, I couldn't wait to jump into his arms. The feeling of coming home to someone is awesome.

So no, my life is not easy, it is not a poor life, it is just a difficult life. These are times of turmoil, twisting against the current. But I'm trying my best. And if you ever feel lonely, just think of the good times and how many more you will experience once you go with the flow. Fighting the current gets difficult so either float or find yourself someone to struggle with.

In the end, it will be worth it.

私は日本に行きます!

World, I am going to Japan!

I cannot believe it. This is part one in a series that I'll try to keep updated. I just purchased my flight ticket and I feel frightened and excited. I had a mini panic attack but this makes me want to work hard, you know? I was dreading life because I am starting a not-so-great job on Sunday. But hey, at least I got a job, I will do my best to pay my debts and bring back awesome memories!

I appreciate the help of those that helped me get here. Especially because one particular person that helped me does not know me at all. I could be the world's most spoiled bitch and he'd never know. Regardless, because of the help of others, this blessed girl will travel outside of the U.S. for the first time in her life. I will work hard at that job even if I don't enjoy it!

I am at a loss for words right now. There is too much on the line. I confess I am scared to death of flying. If I get motion sick on a bike, imagine on a plane. Ahhhhhhhhh...

I will keep you all posted. Thank you for all the love and support. I will make sure to share this trip with everyone.

I Love IU

SO...

For the past three hours, I have been fangirl-ing over my favorite person ever: IU. I really should have been writing my essay but... Nah. She is a Korean songstress with many talents and my gosh, I cannot get over her. I became her fan soon after a dark time and ever since, she has been a beacon of light. I don't obsess over her life though, I genuinely wish I knew her. Or maybe, at least, see her live (I would faint). She is so beautiful. Her voice and smile just melt my heart. She seems like a person that is full of love, blessings, and all sorts of good things.

I just wanted to share that with you all. Look her up if you wish, share and spread the love. Is there anything that makes you happy at first glance? If so, then take a moment and think, listen, imagine, experience it. Feel the good vibes.

Shantih

The art of gratitude

Hello dear world,

I find it oddly hilarious how troubled I used to be about the future. I would not let up. I think sometimes I gave myself insomnia (I always had trouble sleeping as a kid). Looking at my life now, I see that there was no reason to fret. Yeah, bad stuff has happened, horrible at times. But I'm still breathing. 

The relationship I have with my parents has not always been so rocky. I was spoiled, I suppose. A daddy's girl. Sometimes I feel like I am living in Dante's Inferno. If I could describe the descending relationship with my parents, I would compare it to the Bible's explanation of the how the devil came about. Except without all the jealousy, more like some misunderstandings and, being a child, not taken serious. I guess from that, all I get is that we all have our faults.

"Papa."

The look in his eyes,
such a look will make you want to fall.
The sound of his voice,
such a sound will melt your eyes and cause rain to fall.
The defeated way he approached me,
such an aura will make you wish you could catch him.

There is nothing I can do. 

Maybe it's his age,
(Alas, life is futile).
Or maybe his gender,
(I have no idea how men work).

There was nothing I could do.

But perhaps there is.
Sometimes good can come out of bad.
"Sweat, blood, toil and tears."
"And then, there's light!"

I have places I need to be. I want my words to reach others, I want to expand my knowledge, I have places to be! And thanks to the help of a handful, that is possible. Thanks to the help of the beautiful people on this Earth, I can go. I have a long way to go from that child who once fretted the future. I can make my own future now. What a curse, what a blessing!

Thank you. 

This is real

Driving at night is therapeutic. I can keep driving forever, like nothing else matters and the world gets still for just a moment. World, did you ever ask yourself as a kid where you would be when you turned 20? Gosh, I would do it all the time. Wonder, guess, it would trouble me so much. See, I have always been a planner. Always needed some form of plan to function, always organized; I have always had a system. Knowing the future is one of the things that I struggled with not knowing because I need to know what is ahead. But of course, I am only human, with no super powers and alas, knowing the future is not one of my skills.

Now that I am 20, I look back at my life and I am filled with sorrow and happiness. How ugly and yet, how beautiful. What is this life?

I entered a room
Met with unknown faces
And I saw the distance,
The place where I'll be.

O but what a great distance!
O but what a great feat!

"O the places you'll go!"
But I don't yet know
Those places
To go.

What will I find?
O tell me
Where will I be?
Who will I be?

There is no such thing.

I love writing. It makes me feel like those drives. Where has my pen and paper been all my life? This is truly amazing, this rush, this excitement. World, I will go to Japan. Nothing can stop me. I am going. And maybe, just maybe, that part of me that wondered where I will be at this age, will smile, knowing that this is a lot more than what we hoped for.

Dejame usar tus palabras, Lorca
cuyas me ayudan a expresar mi sentimiento.
Quizas para usted, esas criaturas voladoras no regresaran,
pero para mi,
para mi...  

A ti, mi refugio que no me a desamparado,
tulipanes que crecen en tus tierras,
luz que en la oscuridad no se apaga,
si algun dia vuelas lejos de mi,
quiero que entiendas...

"...mudo, y absorto y de rodillas,
como se adora a Dios ante su altar,
como yo te he querido," 
haci mi tesoro,
nunca te olvidare.

I feel like this fell short of what I was trying to say. Today is my 6th anniversary with someone very special. Words are limiting and alas, all I can say is I love you and thank you for being here.

World, I hope today you will join me in celebrating the power of love. There may be a lot I still don't understand about it, all I know is, it exists.  

Connections?!

World, today I would like to share a story with you all. Sometimes, I randomly tell my brother some stories because he's that kind of person: the one that just sits there and listens. He swears that he doesn't have conversations, that it is people who talk to him (I say otherwise, we have conversations brother!!). Anyway, the story goes like this:

There was once a young girl who was trying to find her place on this earth. Neglected by those around her, she found what she most needed in the strangest place. One of her teachers, one that she swears was on drugs half the time, had her class do an assignment on something they believe in. She chose to write about love (maybe this will be another story).

Because the class had to present, the teacher went first. He had light, sea green eyes that seemed to pierce your very soul and salt-and-pepper hair that charmingly went down above his shoulders. Lanky, with a straight smile, he chose to talk about the connections we have with people all around the world.

Now, this young girl was thinking the whole time, "Man, this guys is nuts!" Little did she realize that there was some extreme wisdom behind those simple words.  That now, years later, she would look to thank that teacher for such wise words...

This is what I wanted to share with you all today. We are all connected. I may know you and you may know me. We may have been lovers in a different life. You never know. But never on this earth are we ever not one. All for one, one for all.

Once, a young boy told me, "We are all different and we are all human." As crazy as it sounds, if you think about, it is a rather humble thing, to equalize us just for a moment. So bathe in this moment, breathe it in, swallow it, allow it to engulf you. We are in this world together. And even when we are apart, I know that you, somewhere, exist.

Anxious!

I wrote this today. I am really trying to jump start my writing career and then I realize I've been too scared to write this whole time. So I hopped up and submitted something for my university publishing magazine. Crossing my fingers that this gets published:

 

Fragments of today

 

A waning summer brought you to me; an orange light engulfed your figure. “So you’re the famous…” No. Why would that be me?

A cautious hug, a nervous glance, a passerby amongst the masses, approached me. It was fall then. Who are you?

Flowers budded, birds sang, and spring brought you to me; a blue sky flirting with the breeze caressed your face. “I like you…” No. Why would that be me?

But I said yes and a smile spread across your face, and the remnants of that faded summer stretched through time.  

A hug, a look, a person amongst the masses approached me. It was four years then. I know you.

Then darkness crept and winter brought me a violating torrent. Chaos infused the universe leaving it barren. Wasted. Foul. I thought you weren’t a rosebud.   

“Monster.”

My spring would never come again. Until…

“I love you.”

Why? I am barren, wasted, foul. My world will not change. There is too much fear.

And then your eye becomes a cloud. A soft, silent drop drapes your eyelashes. It rolls down the shadows on your cheeks. I know those shadows (I have seen myself on them, resting under their shade, a tree).

“Come, come and rest on these fields. I will put tulips in your hair.”