I am too sad. I am excited. I keep repeating the lines "I call it magic" from Coldplay's new album and I can't seem to make myself pack. Saying goodbye, even if it is for a little while, is one of the most difficult things I've had to do thus far. It's painful and all you want to do is cry. I know I am blessed, I know I have been waiting for this, for Japan, for years. But now, there's someone I don't quite want to say goodbye to.
Even then, words would not be enough to fully express to you how I feel. They fall short. Just like they always do. I can hold your hand, look into your eyes for a moment longer and even then, it would not be enough.
There is a word in Japanese that is used to describe "lasting happiness." It is not just happy, it is "lasting happiness." I want to make sure I emphasize that because it is complicated, like saying "Te amo" to someone in Spanish. The words carry different meanings, different tones, different impacts. The word I am talking about is "shiawasena." That is what I am when you are around. That is the word that comes into my head when I think of you.
At the moment I am simply "kanashii." There is no possible way that my excitement can take over because my heart is flooded with sadness. My chest feels heavy and there is a knot in my throat. My eyes get flooded with tears and I just think of that last moment:
Your hands on the wheel, your hand pressed up to your lips and you release it, blowing a kiss, a dove, in my direction.
I know I'll be back soon. I know I won't completely lose communication with you (at least I hope not), all I know is that at the moment, this is what I feel.
Japan will be an experience for the books and I am saddened that it won't be with you.
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